Subject: Self-introduction
Dear Professor Blackstone,
This is Koh Yuan Kai from your effective communication class
(SIE2016 – Group 5). I am writing this letter to share some background
information about myself. In 2017, I graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a Diploma in Environmental and Water Technology. During my time in polytechnic, I
heard many news about our Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) breakdowns and the inconvenience these
breakdowns had caused to the commuters. Knowing this, I became more interested
in railway engineering and would like to contribute in this field in the
future. Therefore, I am currently pursuing a Singapore Institute of Technology degree in Sustainable Infrastructure Engineering (Land).
Despite being a shy and introverted person, I have a good speaking
voice projection. Based on personal experience, when giving a presentation in
school, some lecturers praised me on the volume of my voice. In addition to
that, I also managed to maintain good eye contact when presenting or speaking to
people. These traits are crucial in communicating effectively because they not
only display confidence but also allow me to better connect with my audience.
However, when it comes to having a group project discussion,
I tend to be very quiet and have difficulties sharing any idea or opinion on the
project. I believe this is due to my shyness and lack of confidence in myself. Besides,
I am also facing trouble initiating conversations with strangers or people who
are not close to me. I find this a big disadvantage as it affects my chance of
making new friends, especially in a new college.
To conclude, my goals in this effective communication module
are to gain confidence in communicating with strangers as well as to be able to
articulate my thoughts in a more confident and clear manner. At the same time, I
would like to improve on my grammar in both, my spoken and written English.
I am looking forward to working with you in this module.
Best regards,
Koh Yuan Kai
Commented on: Zhi Qi , Jocelyn & Chek Eu
Commented on: Zhi Qi , Jocelyn & Chek Eu
Dear Yuan Kai,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this clear, concise and yet complete self introduction. You've followed the model presented in class quite closely and produced a letter that addresses all the task requirements with quite a bit of detail. I appreciate the detailed explanation of your interest in rail engineering and the review of your strengths and weaknesses in communication.
It is also good to know that you have work specific goals in the module. I'm certain we can address each of those. One is that you state that you'd like to improve the accuracy of grammar in your writing. Toward that end, in this letter, though very well written, you need to review the following:
1. transition words
-- I believe this is due to my shyness and lack of confidence in myself. Besides, I am also facing trouble initiating conversations.... > (wrong word) ?
2. phrasing
-- I heard many news about > I heard many news reports about
3. sentence-level
-- Based on personal experience, when giving a presentation in school, some lecturers praised me on the volume of my voice. > . (dangling modifier: Who's giving presentation? Some lecturers?)
These items don't detract from the fine job you've done with this assignment. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Cheers,
Brad
Thank you Prof Brad for your suggestions! I have edited it! HEHE
DeleteHello Yuan Kai, Zhi Qi here! Your letter is very clear on the objectives but there are some areas i believe could be improved on.
ReplyDelete1. "Many news"could be improved by using many news reports
2. "contribute in" -> contribute to (wrong preposition)
3. "I have a good speaking voice projection" i feel the sentence could be restructured to I tend to project my voice very well when the occasion calls for it.
4. "based on personal experience" It would be better to write as on my own experience, my lecturers tend to praise me on the volume of my voice when I am presenting to them.
5. "I believe this is due to my shyness and lack of confidence in myself. Besides, I am also facing trouble initiating conversations with strangers or people who are not close to me. I find this a big disadvantage as it affects my chance of making new friends, especially in a new college." I feel that this paragraph could be better improved by writing as I have trouble initiating conversation with strangers due to my shyness and lack of confidence which affects my ability to make friends in this new school environment.
6. "in a more confident and clear manner" it would be better written as to articulate my thoughts more confidently and clearly
Thank you Zhi Qi (: I will consider your suggestions!
DeleteHello Yuan Kai, thanks for sharing in spite of your shyness. Great work on introducing yourself. Nevertheless, time for comments...
ReplyDelete1. [...would like to contribute in this field in the future.]
- Usually contribute is used in conjunction with "to" or "towards".
2. [...I have a good speaking voice projection.]
- "I have good voice projection" would be sufficient to complete the sentence with clarity.
3. [In addition to that, I also managed to maintain good eye contact...]
- "I am able to maintain good eye contact" I personally think that the use of "managed" may be more suited in a reflective context compared to an introductory one.
4. [Besides, I am also facing trouble...]
- "In addition" or "On top of that" would be a better choice.
Thanks for the read!
Thanks Sammy!!! I will also consider your suggestions! HEHEHE
Delete